I'm reading "The Way of the Heart" by Henri Nouwen.
In the section titled "Silence", Nouwen points to the truth that when we speak too many words it is like leaving the door open to the sauna and letting all the heat out. Instead, he exhorts us to speak fewer, warmer and meaningful words.
He also points to the silence of God as our creative and re-creative power. I'm blown away by the poetry and depth of Nouwen's explanation here:
"Here we can glimpse the great mystery in which we participate through silence and the Word, the mystery of God's own speaking. Out of his eternal silence God spoke the Word, and through this Word created and re-created the world. In the beginning God spoke the land, the sea and the sky. He spoke the sun, the moon and the stars. He spoke plants, birds, fish, animals wild and tame. Finally, he spoke man and woman. Then, in the fullness of time, God's Word, through whom all had been created, became flesh and gave power to all who believe to become the children of God. In all this, the Word of God does not break the silence of God, but rather unfolds the immeasurable richness of his silence."
I'm struck by the concept of God's "eternal silence" being a well from which he speaks creation into being. And I'm struck by my own many words that I speak constantly out of compulsion.
Jesus, help me to be more silent and thus to understand what Nouwen means when he says,
"Thus silence is the mystery of the future world. It keeps us pilgrims and prevents us from becoming entangled in the cares of this age. It guards the fire of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. It allows us to speak a word that participates in the creative and re-creative power of God's own Word."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tricked out Truck
I was struck just now with a memory of Kathy in a Bible Study on the book of Hebrews. It must have been 13 years ago now. The group was made up of mostly Campus Crusaders and we were all discussing the beginning of the book. The question arose about who the author might have been and who his audience was and what the setting might have been. These are all nice comfortable questions and we weren't asking them in order to unpack some richer, deeper spiritual truth. We were asking these questions because we all wanted to be intellectuals. We wanted to understand the book better than folks who just “read it”.
Kathy spoke up. Well it was more of an outburst. She said “I think we're totally missing the point here!” She didn't say it in a nice tempered way either, she was obviously pissed. Here was a book declaring the incredible nature and being of Christ Jesus and we were missing it.
And I see it in myself and those around me still, all the time. It's like we're all standing around with the neighbors looking at a buddy's new tricked out truck. It's raised up five feet to clear immense boulders. It's paint is beautiful but it's also incredibly tough so that if a tree falls on it there won't even be a scratch. The engine has a snorkel sticking out the top so that it can actually submerge and keep running. We are all standing around looking at it in amazement. We comment on different features and nod in agreement until a little kid in the back of the crowd seizes on a quiet moment to say “Let's take it for a ride!”
Of course all the adults just smile and look at their feet in embarrassment. “Impetuous child, someone take him home.” Then the owner of the truck pulls it into the garage where he covers it up again. He'll bring it out again next Sunday so that we can all gawk at it and talk about how amazing it is.
Yea, that's what Kathy was talking about so many years ago. I didn't catch it at the time because I was one of those polite neighbors but she was calling me on the fact that the Bible is intended to introduce me to Jesus. Just like that truck is not meant for truck shows or a drive to the store, the Bible is not meant to be read and ignored. It isn't a self help book. It's a serious declaration of the King of Kings. It's an introduction to Jesus.
I pledge to make sure I don't leave it in the garage anymore. The adventure is out there with Jesus. He doesn't want to merely take us down the paved city streets either. He's on the back roads and in the dangerous places. He's in the pain and the joy and the mundane. He speaks to us constantly and leads us. If I'm daring I'll listen and follow him. I'm not scared. He's built for the adventure like the truck is built to go off road.
Let's walk with Jesus today, wherever that might be.
Kathy spoke up. Well it was more of an outburst. She said “I think we're totally missing the point here!” She didn't say it in a nice tempered way either, she was obviously pissed. Here was a book declaring the incredible nature and being of Christ Jesus and we were missing it.
And I see it in myself and those around me still, all the time. It's like we're all standing around with the neighbors looking at a buddy's new tricked out truck. It's raised up five feet to clear immense boulders. It's paint is beautiful but it's also incredibly tough so that if a tree falls on it there won't even be a scratch. The engine has a snorkel sticking out the top so that it can actually submerge and keep running. We are all standing around looking at it in amazement. We comment on different features and nod in agreement until a little kid in the back of the crowd seizes on a quiet moment to say “Let's take it for a ride!”
Of course all the adults just smile and look at their feet in embarrassment. “Impetuous child, someone take him home.” Then the owner of the truck pulls it into the garage where he covers it up again. He'll bring it out again next Sunday so that we can all gawk at it and talk about how amazing it is.
Yea, that's what Kathy was talking about so many years ago. I didn't catch it at the time because I was one of those polite neighbors but she was calling me on the fact that the Bible is intended to introduce me to Jesus. Just like that truck is not meant for truck shows or a drive to the store, the Bible is not meant to be read and ignored. It isn't a self help book. It's a serious declaration of the King of Kings. It's an introduction to Jesus.
I pledge to make sure I don't leave it in the garage anymore. The adventure is out there with Jesus. He doesn't want to merely take us down the paved city streets either. He's on the back roads and in the dangerous places. He's in the pain and the joy and the mundane. He speaks to us constantly and leads us. If I'm daring I'll listen and follow him. I'm not scared. He's built for the adventure like the truck is built to go off road.
Let's walk with Jesus today, wherever that might be.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Insurance Review? Nope, another back road with Jesus.
Willie
Willie married Robert in 1960. I met with her to review her insurance. They've been insured by Farmers for some 30 years now. We talked about insurance for about 10 minutes. The rest of the hour we took a back road with Jesus together.
Willie and Robert have been married for 50 years now. They are in the time of life when you hope that you are both healthy enough to have been enjoying your “Golden Years” together. You have some fun, enjoy some restful vacations perhaps. Maybe taking an annual cruise or doing some sort of travel together. You get to see your kids and grand kids growing. Maybe you reach out to help them financially once in a while as they struggle with life.
Willie was pregnant with their third child 43 years ago when Robert was hit by a car and disabled. He was in the hospital for months. They didn't have much in those days as a young married couple with kids. Now Robert would be unable to work to provide for them. Sometimes he wasn't sure where he was. Though he survived the accident, life would never be the same.
So for 43 years Willie has been the primary parent, wage-earner and care giver to her disabled husband. Forty-three years. That's more than my entire life. As I think of the sheer weight of time involved there the hopes and dreams of “normal” flood in. But there has been no “normal” for Willie. If I were on an earthly plane I might have asked “how does someone find the strength to do that?” But sitting at her kitchen table we've been transported to another realm with Jesus. As Willie talked she shrugged off any question of “why?” like a flick of the hair. She described her 43 years without sugar coating. She didn't tell it through rose colored glasses but she didn't mourn any loss of dreams either. Her statement cut through all confusion as she ended her story saying “You don't expect or plan for life to be this way or that you'll have to struggle with things like this but he is my love.”
And this is what love does. Love cares for a disabled spouse for 43 years. And love does much more than that. Love gives everything to raise her three children to know Jesus. Love works and struggles to pay the bills. Love volunteers as a youth pastor for the Salvation Army. Love tells these young people that they can be more than their parents think they can be. Love reaches into the lives of these kids and fills them with a faith that Someone believes in them, that they are loveable. And the kids responded. They believed better of themselves because Willie saw them with the eyes of Christ, that they have value. Willie transforms her world with the love of God. Her love flows from the presence of Christ in her every movement. She speaks of the Lord as someone who knows experientially that He is right there next to her.
As we spoke Robert came into the room for a few minutes. I took time to answer his questions about their insurance even though she had just told me that his mind is going and he can't remember things anymore. For the past 6 years she has taken over even more aspects of care for him. The look in her eyes made it clear that she appreciated me treating him with dignity. After he left she said “He's having a good day today.” I'm almost embarrassed as I understand the intimacy I am witnessing between them. They speak to each other and about each other with such affection that being in the same room with them makes me miss my wife. I want to hold her hand now. Love is infectious that way.
Willie married Robert in 1960. I met with her to review her insurance. They've been insured by Farmers for some 30 years now. We talked about insurance for about 10 minutes. The rest of the hour we took a back road with Jesus together.
Willie and Robert have been married for 50 years now. They are in the time of life when you hope that you are both healthy enough to have been enjoying your “Golden Years” together. You have some fun, enjoy some restful vacations perhaps. Maybe taking an annual cruise or doing some sort of travel together. You get to see your kids and grand kids growing. Maybe you reach out to help them financially once in a while as they struggle with life.
Willie was pregnant with their third child 43 years ago when Robert was hit by a car and disabled. He was in the hospital for months. They didn't have much in those days as a young married couple with kids. Now Robert would be unable to work to provide for them. Sometimes he wasn't sure where he was. Though he survived the accident, life would never be the same.
So for 43 years Willie has been the primary parent, wage-earner and care giver to her disabled husband. Forty-three years. That's more than my entire life. As I think of the sheer weight of time involved there the hopes and dreams of “normal” flood in. But there has been no “normal” for Willie. If I were on an earthly plane I might have asked “how does someone find the strength to do that?” But sitting at her kitchen table we've been transported to another realm with Jesus. As Willie talked she shrugged off any question of “why?” like a flick of the hair. She described her 43 years without sugar coating. She didn't tell it through rose colored glasses but she didn't mourn any loss of dreams either. Her statement cut through all confusion as she ended her story saying “You don't expect or plan for life to be this way or that you'll have to struggle with things like this but he is my love.”
And this is what love does. Love cares for a disabled spouse for 43 years. And love does much more than that. Love gives everything to raise her three children to know Jesus. Love works and struggles to pay the bills. Love volunteers as a youth pastor for the Salvation Army. Love tells these young people that they can be more than their parents think they can be. Love reaches into the lives of these kids and fills them with a faith that Someone believes in them, that they are loveable. And the kids responded. They believed better of themselves because Willie saw them with the eyes of Christ, that they have value. Willie transforms her world with the love of God. Her love flows from the presence of Christ in her every movement. She speaks of the Lord as someone who knows experientially that He is right there next to her.
As we spoke Robert came into the room for a few minutes. I took time to answer his questions about their insurance even though she had just told me that his mind is going and he can't remember things anymore. For the past 6 years she has taken over even more aspects of care for him. The look in her eyes made it clear that she appreciated me treating him with dignity. After he left she said “He's having a good day today.” I'm almost embarrassed as I understand the intimacy I am witnessing between them. They speak to each other and about each other with such affection that being in the same room with them makes me miss my wife. I want to hold her hand now. Love is infectious that way.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Why Jennifer Knapp Makes Me Weep, by Jen
Jennifer Knapp. Her heart in song and poetry has touched deep places within and ushered me into intimate, naked worship with my Savior many, many times. I have felt a connection with her somehow and understood her language. She has always been on my heart. I have prayed for her often and love her wishing I could hear more of her heart and be a friend. For some reason long before anyone knew about it, maybe even before Jen herself knew, God revealed to me that she struggled with her sexual identity. Though the Christian community was rocked and disillusioned when she came out a few months ago, God was not at all rattled. He has always known the heart of His beloved Jen.
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. It seems evident to me that she still walks with God. Her relationship with Him appears to be living and breathing, and she seems to know her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. It seems evident to me that she still walks with God. Her relationship with Him appears to be living and breathing, and she seems to know her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A Hot Tub on the Back Road...
We got a kingdom update on the back road last night (5-21-10). Enjoying time away to celebrate our anniversary in Steamboat, we went to the hot tub. Just as we arrived and settled in, we saw a young boy and girl heading over, obviously prepared to join us. Bummer! They arrived with their mom and we started some idle chatter.
We found out that they attend a church in Denver that we pass by every time we come to Steamboat. Also, there was one daughter who was not with them on this trip. She had just arrived home from a missions trip to Ecuador and was too tired to be dragged away for the weekend. I think they had gone to Chinquil, Ecuador. They helped with some VBS ministry and raised about $1000 to give to a family to build a new home. One thousand dollars goes a long way considering they live in a hut with paper walls.
It felt like we were each just passing by and sharing a few stories of Jesus as we rested in our journeys. It is strangely and deeply comforting to hear first-hand how God is moving in another person's life. We discovered a family here who is precious to Jesus. He is moving in each of them. This daughter had an incredible hands-on time watching Jesus at work in Ecuador and that spilled over to her family. We just got splashed with a bit as well.
The Kingdom is advancing, it cannot be stopped!
As I was writing about this experience I heard Jesus say “Make a big deal out of this David.” My mind responds “What's the big deal? Fifteen minutes of chatter in a hot tub?” I've heard about mission trips before. I've met christian families before. But this time God stopped me and impressed on me that EVERY time I meet a Christian family, and EVERY time I hear about a mission trip, I ought to make a big deal about it.
I was given a picture of our encounter and it wasn't meaningless chit chat in a hot tub. It was two sentries behind the battle lines meeting and sharing stories from the front. Whether we were between assignments, carrying a message to another Captain or bringing fresh supplies to another area of the battle, this meeting was important. And every time we pass their church we will be reminded to pray for the family that God made to cross our path. We will pray for them to be bold in their faith, for that 15 year old to remember how God moved in and through her in Ecuador, for the other teens on that trip and we will be refreshed by remembering that God is on the move. I got a notion and I don't have any particular Biblical reference to back this up, but I got a notion that Satan will be utterly confused at where the help for this family is coming from. His Kingdom is advancing forcefully.
We found out that they attend a church in Denver that we pass by every time we come to Steamboat. Also, there was one daughter who was not with them on this trip. She had just arrived home from a missions trip to Ecuador and was too tired to be dragged away for the weekend. I think they had gone to Chinquil, Ecuador. They helped with some VBS ministry and raised about $1000 to give to a family to build a new home. One thousand dollars goes a long way considering they live in a hut with paper walls.
It felt like we were each just passing by and sharing a few stories of Jesus as we rested in our journeys. It is strangely and deeply comforting to hear first-hand how God is moving in another person's life. We discovered a family here who is precious to Jesus. He is moving in each of them. This daughter had an incredible hands-on time watching Jesus at work in Ecuador and that spilled over to her family. We just got splashed with a bit as well.
The Kingdom is advancing, it cannot be stopped!
As I was writing about this experience I heard Jesus say “Make a big deal out of this David.” My mind responds “What's the big deal? Fifteen minutes of chatter in a hot tub?” I've heard about mission trips before. I've met christian families before. But this time God stopped me and impressed on me that EVERY time I meet a Christian family, and EVERY time I hear about a mission trip, I ought to make a big deal about it.
I was given a picture of our encounter and it wasn't meaningless chit chat in a hot tub. It was two sentries behind the battle lines meeting and sharing stories from the front. Whether we were between assignments, carrying a message to another Captain or bringing fresh supplies to another area of the battle, this meeting was important. And every time we pass their church we will be reminded to pray for the family that God made to cross our path. We will pray for them to be bold in their faith, for that 15 year old to remember how God moved in and through her in Ecuador, for the other teens on that trip and we will be refreshed by remembering that God is on the move. I got a notion and I don't have any particular Biblical reference to back this up, but I got a notion that Satan will be utterly confused at where the help for this family is coming from. His Kingdom is advancing forcefully.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Jesus on the way...
How important is it that I arrive on time? I know, if I have an appointment or meeting that I need to respect the other parties involved and get there on time, but what about when we leave on vacations? Why am I still uptight about schedules then? It's as if vacation doesn't start until we get there. The packing, the driving, the stopping for potty breaks don't count as vacation.
Unfortunately this kind of thinking also removes my ability to rest on a daily basis. I get up in the morning, gotta get to the gym, gotta get to the office, gotta get that next marketing plan done, or in place, gotta make phone calls, gotta... The end of the day comes and I have been caught in the whirlwind of activity with no focus or purpose and without my awareness of Jesus. It's like driving on the interstate looking for my destination and unable to enjoy the journey. Amazing sunrises, mountains, rivers, forests and quirky people, even Jesus Himself might be seen all around on the journey, but I've missed it.
If Jesus is found on the back roads, it is because He is less concerned with my timely arrival than He is with enjoying the journey with me. He enjoys the scenic route. He wants to amaze and inspire in the quiet little sleepy towns found there. He is not a program to be implemented but a person to relate with. I'm finding He is far less concerned with my “doing” than He is with my “being”. I've found He is far less concerned with my “arrival” than with my “journey”.
So, I rest easy in the imperfection of the now. Yet I know that He is with me and that is enough.
Unfortunately this kind of thinking also removes my ability to rest on a daily basis. I get up in the morning, gotta get to the gym, gotta get to the office, gotta get that next marketing plan done, or in place, gotta make phone calls, gotta... The end of the day comes and I have been caught in the whirlwind of activity with no focus or purpose and without my awareness of Jesus. It's like driving on the interstate looking for my destination and unable to enjoy the journey. Amazing sunrises, mountains, rivers, forests and quirky people, even Jesus Himself might be seen all around on the journey, but I've missed it.
If Jesus is found on the back roads, it is because He is less concerned with my timely arrival than He is with enjoying the journey with me. He enjoys the scenic route. He wants to amaze and inspire in the quiet little sleepy towns found there. He is not a program to be implemented but a person to relate with. I'm finding He is far less concerned with my “doing” than He is with my “being”. I've found He is far less concerned with my “arrival” than with my “journey”.
So, I rest easy in the imperfection of the now. Yet I know that He is with me and that is enough.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Remembering My Journey on the Back Road
One of my mentors posted a quote on his blog from Thomas Merton. Alan Fadling spoke of his own perfectionism as a place of ongoing recovery. I've often used the words of Jack Miller to describe my own similar path – “My name is Dave and I am a recovering Pharisee.” Here's his quote:
“All in all, we suffer from the disease of perfectionism, which is the biggest obstacle to true perfection because it dries up the interior spirit, kills real faith, makes us concentrate on ourselves instead of Jesus, puts a “false Jesus” in our hearts instead of the real Jesus Who is a Savior. He is not waiting for us to become angels before He starts to love us. He loves us because we are imperfect, not because we are good but because He is good…. Most of them believe this only in theory. They are obsessed with their own miserable little “perfection” and “imperfection.”.” (Thomas Merton. The School of Charity. Selected and edited by Brother Patrick Hart. New York: Farrar Strauss Giroux, 1990, p. 58.)
This disease, as Merton puts it, is insidious in it's permeation of my soul. It creates a pattern that leads me consistently away from Christ and His very real righteousness given to me. The pattern has looked something like this through the years:
First I come to Jesus, it is refreshing and new and I feel the healing down to my toes. It's as though my strong Father, the hero of my story has come along side me, placed His hand on my shoulder and said “It's going to be alright David, I Am here.” Those simple words crush the heart of stone and create a new heart of flesh that He takes in His hands and molds into the likeness of His own.
But the stoney heart soon attempts to retake its throne. It doesn't attempt to come against the power of heaven. That would be fruitless. Instead it seeks agreement in the new life, with a slight tweak. It says something like “Yes, this is good, a good place to be. I like this, I can work with this. Thank you Jesus, I'll take it from here. I just needed a clean slate, a spiritual bankruptcy so to speak. Now You've empowered me to live life. I have Your instruction booklet, I'll learn it. And look at these people around you, what are the spiritual ones doing? They go to church? I can go to church. They don't smoke? I can do that. They don't swear? I can stop doing that.”
And so it begins to slowly, one degree at a time, inch my heart back into itself. Instead of living under the grace that was freely given and freely received in the beginning, I begin to feel as though I've earned just a little bit of it. Instead of giving all the praise to Jesus and extolling Him alone for any victory in my life, I begin to say “Thanks for the help Jesus, I appreciate it. Call you later.”
But then I was struck by the words of Jack Miller who said “Cheer up, you're worse than you think.” And Martin Luther who said “We must learn to repent even of our good works.” Suddenly I realize that I have not had to give a reason to anyone for the joy that is in me because there has been no joy within me. The Gospel had become a list of tasks with no life in them. I was always striving to find the joy Jesus promised and always frustrated that it just kept feeling like work with no payoff. And so, the realization that my sin was even deeper than I thought was a blessing. I could go back to the beginning, back to the joy that I had at first, back to Jesus.
My Pharisee heart had to be crushed by the law the way the Pharisees were crushed by the law in Matthew 24. I needed to realize that the story of the two sons in Luke 15 was about me. It's not about the younger brother at all. The younger brother is only there to show the magnificent grace of the Father to the elder brother. The story is about the elder brother and whether or not he will come and join the party. Yes, Jesus was calling the Pharisees to join in the party and rejoice over their younger “prodigal” brothers.
When I read that story and found myself sympathizing with the elder brother and thinking that Jesus was wrong, I realized that something was incredibly out of whack in my heart. If Jesus was calling me to join the party, why was I sitting outside sulking? If Jesus was declaring me righteous enough to come in and celebrate and saying that “all that I have has always been yours” then why did I operate as though I were a poor broken sinner?
Today I'm seeing more and deeper healing in my heart. It's not a healing that leads me back into the Law but deeper into the Gospel. My life, more and more is being marked by God's grace. I see Him offering me all that is His. It's amazing.
I heard the words of this song really for the first time this morning:
No guilt of life, no fear of death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
In His Grip,
Dave
“All in all, we suffer from the disease of perfectionism, which is the biggest obstacle to true perfection because it dries up the interior spirit, kills real faith, makes us concentrate on ourselves instead of Jesus, puts a “false Jesus” in our hearts instead of the real Jesus Who is a Savior. He is not waiting for us to become angels before He starts to love us. He loves us because we are imperfect, not because we are good but because He is good…. Most of them believe this only in theory. They are obsessed with their own miserable little “perfection” and “imperfection.”.” (Thomas Merton. The School of Charity. Selected and edited by Brother Patrick Hart. New York: Farrar Strauss Giroux, 1990, p. 58.)
This disease, as Merton puts it, is insidious in it's permeation of my soul. It creates a pattern that leads me consistently away from Christ and His very real righteousness given to me. The pattern has looked something like this through the years:
First I come to Jesus, it is refreshing and new and I feel the healing down to my toes. It's as though my strong Father, the hero of my story has come along side me, placed His hand on my shoulder and said “It's going to be alright David, I Am here.” Those simple words crush the heart of stone and create a new heart of flesh that He takes in His hands and molds into the likeness of His own.
But the stoney heart soon attempts to retake its throne. It doesn't attempt to come against the power of heaven. That would be fruitless. Instead it seeks agreement in the new life, with a slight tweak. It says something like “Yes, this is good, a good place to be. I like this, I can work with this. Thank you Jesus, I'll take it from here. I just needed a clean slate, a spiritual bankruptcy so to speak. Now You've empowered me to live life. I have Your instruction booklet, I'll learn it. And look at these people around you, what are the spiritual ones doing? They go to church? I can go to church. They don't smoke? I can do that. They don't swear? I can stop doing that.”
And so it begins to slowly, one degree at a time, inch my heart back into itself. Instead of living under the grace that was freely given and freely received in the beginning, I begin to feel as though I've earned just a little bit of it. Instead of giving all the praise to Jesus and extolling Him alone for any victory in my life, I begin to say “Thanks for the help Jesus, I appreciate it. Call you later.”
But then I was struck by the words of Jack Miller who said “Cheer up, you're worse than you think.” And Martin Luther who said “We must learn to repent even of our good works.” Suddenly I realize that I have not had to give a reason to anyone for the joy that is in me because there has been no joy within me. The Gospel had become a list of tasks with no life in them. I was always striving to find the joy Jesus promised and always frustrated that it just kept feeling like work with no payoff. And so, the realization that my sin was even deeper than I thought was a blessing. I could go back to the beginning, back to the joy that I had at first, back to Jesus.
My Pharisee heart had to be crushed by the law the way the Pharisees were crushed by the law in Matthew 24. I needed to realize that the story of the two sons in Luke 15 was about me. It's not about the younger brother at all. The younger brother is only there to show the magnificent grace of the Father to the elder brother. The story is about the elder brother and whether or not he will come and join the party. Yes, Jesus was calling the Pharisees to join in the party and rejoice over their younger “prodigal” brothers.
When I read that story and found myself sympathizing with the elder brother and thinking that Jesus was wrong, I realized that something was incredibly out of whack in my heart. If Jesus was calling me to join the party, why was I sitting outside sulking? If Jesus was declaring me righteous enough to come in and celebrate and saying that “all that I have has always been yours” then why did I operate as though I were a poor broken sinner?
Today I'm seeing more and deeper healing in my heart. It's not a healing that leads me back into the Law but deeper into the Gospel. My life, more and more is being marked by God's grace. I see Him offering me all that is His. It's amazing.
I heard the words of this song really for the first time this morning:
No guilt of life, no fear of death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
In His Grip,
Dave
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Backroad Jesus
Most of my life is currently lived inside my town of Colorado Springs. I'm raising my girls here with my beautiful wife in our little house. I work here and interact with customers and colleagues for business here. We have many friends here after 10 years of living. We worship here and meet God here. Most of my travels consist of driving the city streets over and over. They are familiar and constant. I see the same fellow travelers on my commute; the same street people; the same kids waiting for school to start. I love this town and don't mind the familiarity of its streets, but I love the back roads even more.
The back roads up in the mountains are loaded with refreshment for my soul. The further you drive, the less traveled the roads are and the more refreshing the air is. There is mystery there. Old dirt roads that disappear into a canyon, their twin tracks through grassy meadows that have almost recovered from their use. It makes my mind think of covered wagons, trappers, hunters or pioneers from 150 years ago. My imagination starts to think about what life was like for them. I'm transported to another land, another time, and I become less trapped by my day to day life. On the back roads of life's journey is where I find Jesus too.
He's mysterious. He appears as I'm driving down a familiar road like twin tracks through the dense trees. Sometimes I ignore the invitation and think “I'll check out that road another time.” But I've learned that I'm rarely able to find that particular road again. So more and more I'm open to His invitation and take every opportunity to meet with Him. I've noticed that there are many other travelers who join me from time to time on the back roads.
So, I intend to document and journal some back road experiences with Jesus. I'll talk about fellow travelers, invitations, mysterious appearances and wonderful experiences of Christ along the journey. After all, He may not always appear in the same place or in the same way twice, but He's not difficult to find... “The heavens are LOUD with the Glory of God!”
The back roads up in the mountains are loaded with refreshment for my soul. The further you drive, the less traveled the roads are and the more refreshing the air is. There is mystery there. Old dirt roads that disappear into a canyon, their twin tracks through grassy meadows that have almost recovered from their use. It makes my mind think of covered wagons, trappers, hunters or pioneers from 150 years ago. My imagination starts to think about what life was like for them. I'm transported to another land, another time, and I become less trapped by my day to day life. On the back roads of life's journey is where I find Jesus too.
He's mysterious. He appears as I'm driving down a familiar road like twin tracks through the dense trees. Sometimes I ignore the invitation and think “I'll check out that road another time.” But I've learned that I'm rarely able to find that particular road again. So more and more I'm open to His invitation and take every opportunity to meet with Him. I've noticed that there are many other travelers who join me from time to time on the back roads.
So, I intend to document and journal some back road experiences with Jesus. I'll talk about fellow travelers, invitations, mysterious appearances and wonderful experiences of Christ along the journey. After all, He may not always appear in the same place or in the same way twice, but He's not difficult to find... “The heavens are LOUD with the Glory of God!”
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