Willie
Willie married Robert in 1960. I met with her to review her insurance. They've been insured by Farmers for some 30 years now. We talked about insurance for about 10 minutes. The rest of the hour we took a back road with Jesus together.
Willie and Robert have been married for 50 years now. They are in the time of life when you hope that you are both healthy enough to have been enjoying your “Golden Years” together. You have some fun, enjoy some restful vacations perhaps. Maybe taking an annual cruise or doing some sort of travel together. You get to see your kids and grand kids growing. Maybe you reach out to help them financially once in a while as they struggle with life.
Willie was pregnant with their third child 43 years ago when Robert was hit by a car and disabled. He was in the hospital for months. They didn't have much in those days as a young married couple with kids. Now Robert would be unable to work to provide for them. Sometimes he wasn't sure where he was. Though he survived the accident, life would never be the same.
So for 43 years Willie has been the primary parent, wage-earner and care giver to her disabled husband. Forty-three years. That's more than my entire life. As I think of the sheer weight of time involved there the hopes and dreams of “normal” flood in. But there has been no “normal” for Willie. If I were on an earthly plane I might have asked “how does someone find the strength to do that?” But sitting at her kitchen table we've been transported to another realm with Jesus. As Willie talked she shrugged off any question of “why?” like a flick of the hair. She described her 43 years without sugar coating. She didn't tell it through rose colored glasses but she didn't mourn any loss of dreams either. Her statement cut through all confusion as she ended her story saying “You don't expect or plan for life to be this way or that you'll have to struggle with things like this but he is my love.”
And this is what love does. Love cares for a disabled spouse for 43 years. And love does much more than that. Love gives everything to raise her three children to know Jesus. Love works and struggles to pay the bills. Love volunteers as a youth pastor for the Salvation Army. Love tells these young people that they can be more than their parents think they can be. Love reaches into the lives of these kids and fills them with a faith that Someone believes in them, that they are loveable. And the kids responded. They believed better of themselves because Willie saw them with the eyes of Christ, that they have value. Willie transforms her world with the love of God. Her love flows from the presence of Christ in her every movement. She speaks of the Lord as someone who knows experientially that He is right there next to her.
As we spoke Robert came into the room for a few minutes. I took time to answer his questions about their insurance even though she had just told me that his mind is going and he can't remember things anymore. For the past 6 years she has taken over even more aspects of care for him. The look in her eyes made it clear that she appreciated me treating him with dignity. After he left she said “He's having a good day today.” I'm almost embarrassed as I understand the intimacy I am witnessing between them. They speak to each other and about each other with such affection that being in the same room with them makes me miss my wife. I want to hold her hand now. Love is infectious that way.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Why Jennifer Knapp Makes Me Weep, by Jen
Jennifer Knapp. Her heart in song and poetry has touched deep places within and ushered me into intimate, naked worship with my Savior many, many times. I have felt a connection with her somehow and understood her language. She has always been on my heart. I have prayed for her often and love her wishing I could hear more of her heart and be a friend. For some reason long before anyone knew about it, maybe even before Jen herself knew, God revealed to me that she struggled with her sexual identity. Though the Christian community was rocked and disillusioned when she came out a few months ago, God was not at all rattled. He has always known the heart of His beloved Jen.
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. It seems evident to me that she still walks with God. Her relationship with Him appears to be living and breathing, and she seems to know her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. It seems evident to me that she still walks with God. Her relationship with Him appears to be living and breathing, and she seems to know her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
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